Hi Folks, my father is in hospital with a mild chest infection. So I’ll visiting and doing other organisational things probably for a day or two. Apologies if you contact me and I don’t get back to you for a while.
Hope life is going well with you, Evan.
The authentic is simple and sometimes easy; hiding is complicated and usually hard.
If we know ourselves and our situation (have authenticity) then our life is simple. Sometimes creativity is required to thrive in our situation but usually a fit between ourselves and our situation is simple. I say what I want, I organise myself to move in the direction I want, and so on. Usually this is easy.
When we are hiding life is complicated. The people who need to live a life of hiding need to constantly monitor themselves and their behaviour. This is complicated. And exhausting.
The groups I think of as usually needing to hide are: gays in a homophobic culture; people with addictions (especially illegal ones); people who, usually due to childhood trauma, believe that no one will like them if they know who they are and what happened to them. These people have complicated and hard lives. Through no fault of their own. However, there are usually things they can do to find greater ease (at least feeling good about themselves, even if they can’t change their culture or move to a more desirable one).
So why don’t we go for the simple and easy? I think there are four reasons.
1. NO ONE TOLD US WE CAN
A lot of children’s lives are about fitting into the adult world. They are often not consulted about what suits them. And so we grow up being trained not to do this. Likewise children are usually ‘trained’ rather than ‘educated’. They are told ‘do this’ rather than being shown how to investigate their situation and figure out what is going on.
Which means that as adults it may not occur to us to be in touch with who we are and what we want nor to look at what our environment is like. There are even ‘moralities’ that advocate being unkind to ourselves and ignoring our situation. This usually goes under the heading of ‘discipline’, ‘persevering’, being a ‘responsible adult’ and so on.
To get a detailed sense of this recall you childhood in detail:
- Remember back to your childhood and make a list of what you were told to do.
- Remember the times your questions were dismissed.
- Recall the examples your authority figures set for being in touch with their own needs and preferences.
- How were your food preferences responded too?
- Do you have a sense that your sleep rhythm was responded to – even if it wasn’t discussed – or were you expected to fit in around other’s routines?
- What interests and pursuits were encouraged or frustrated?
2. NO ONE SHOWED US HOW
- It can take time to know who we are and what we like.
- We find out what foods we like by trying different foods. There aren’t many shortcuts.
- We learn about how to organise our time by trying different ways and making adjustments.
- We find the kind of work we like by doing different stuff.
There are three ways I know to do this.
Learning From Your Own Experience.
At it’s simplest the formula is action and reflection. To reflect on whether our experience is satisfying or not and not what we think we can change or improve. I’m someone who understands through words, so I use journalling as my of reflecting. There are lots of others -
- talking things over with someone
- walking and thinking
- some kinds of meditation or contemplation
- mind-maps
- making a model – perhaps out of lego or plasticine – something that is easy to manipulate is probably best.
Using Generalisations About Experience.
There are various systems for dividing people and their experience into types and categories. When you find a generalisation about you that works, then you can use it to guide what is likely to work for you in a new situation.
The two I find most generally useful are Myers-Briggs and Transactional Analysis (TA). You will find lots of posts about these elsewhere on this blog.
Learning From Other’s Experience.
Whether from books or other media or through personal conversations or watching others in action.
A few cautions about learning from other’s experience.
- Copy what people do – not what they say they do or did. People don’t always know why they are successful.
- Look for the reason – educate yourself don’t train yourself. Know why you do what you do. Make sure you see the connection between your behaviour and its results.
- If you are attracted to a person or way of doing things it is good to know why. Being attracted to someone’s charisma or a system’s thoroughness may divert us from what we need to know.
- For learning from others to work you need people who are enough like you in a situation enough like yours. The more different you are and your situation is, the less useful is learning from others. It may be more worthwhile to consider developing your own approach. If you put ‘creativity’ into the search box on this blog (top right in the sidebar) you will find some guidance to get you started doing this.
- Ask: Would this work for me? It may not fit you as a person or the situation you are in. No two people and no two situations are entirely identical.
To investigate learning about yourself and your situation ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I found a process for reflecting on my experience (it may be quite a structured meditation or as informal as a chat).
- Have I a sense of my own style of preferred style (intense or relaxed, structured or loose, casual or formal)?
- Have I found ways of understanding that work for me? Could you use them more?
- Who have I learned from? Try stating clearly what you learned from them.
- What could I know that would improve my life? Where could you learn this?
- Are there books or courses that have changed my life? In what way did they change you?
3. FEARS VARIOUS
Usually we are afraid that if we let people know who we really are that something terrible will happen.
This is possible. It is good to listen to our fear – it may be alerting us to danger. The world is not an entirely safe place. Not all people are entirely trustworthy. It can be useful to listen when our intuition tells us to not do something or go somewhere or say yes to something.
It can be useful to be clear about what it is we fear. It may be that we are catastrophising. It is unlikely that ‘we will die of embarrassment’. It is likely that there are other candidates for the worst person on earth (I can name several politicians and dictators past and present who will easily qualify I think).
It is important I think to know that we are entitled to keep our secrets. The demand for complete openness belongs in the torture chamber not in a friendship or intimate relationship.
In my view people are entitled to not do dangerous things. If you don’t feel an environment is caring or safe then I think this is a good reason for not being vulnerable.
My experience is that when I have talked about myself I have found that people have been more accepting than I anticipated. This has lead to some of my most precious moments.
Usually it will be possible to check out what we fear in small and easy stages. Usually our fears can be faced fairly easily in small steps. If not then there are many programs and professionals who can offer you the support needed to address them.
Responding to fear.
- Do you have to do what you fear?
- If not: consider not doing it.
- If so do your best to find a way to make it pleasurable or at least easy. Most things are ‘a cinch inch by inch’. See if there is a step forward about which you feel, “Oh, I can do that (or that much)!” and then do this little bit. Then do it again and again until you have another step about which you feel, “Oh, I can do that!”
- See if you can catch yourself ignoring or suppressing your fear.
- Can you recall times when it would have been helpful to listen to your fear? Can you recall times when it would have been better not to? Are there lessons to be learned about when it is good to and when not?
4. NOT FACING THE BLANK
There is an idea that we ‘fear the unknown’. This is wrong – what we fear is the fantasies that we fill the unknown with.
However being confronted with a blank is a problem.
We may feel very uncomfortable and anxious. And we may not know (because we have never been told – much less shown) that this experience will pass. If we can simply keep breathing (without tensing to try and suppress the feeling) we will find that this experience comes and goes and eventually diminishes – fifteen minutes will usually be enough for noticeable change to occur.
When we feel uncomfortable and anxious the usual thing is to do what we know how to do. But this is how we got here in the first place. When we are wanting authenticity what we know how to do is usually more or less fake.
When we are doing something new we won’t be sure how to do it. And usually we won’t do it well the first time (it is OK to learn and improve).
When we stay with the blank a few times we learn that something happens. It may be embarrassingly obvious or quite new.
For me the embarrassingly obvious is usually that I am concerned with being shown to be incompetent. (This is one of my themes.)
Sometimes by talking over a recurring problem I have I am struck by a flash of the blindingly obvious. Sometimes a new and simple way to do something, sometimes by an insight like: Well, who says I have to do that anyway?!
To confront this hardcore, do improv. After a while you get the idea that the mistakes and stuff ups are part of it all. And that if you wait ideas come and you go with them – some work, some don’t. And you can laugh about the mistakes and keep going. And that trying to plan out what you will do doesn’t work. And that moments or exhilarating brilliance happen.
For an easier path, just keep breathing. If it is a recurring blank for you then sit with it for five breaths today, six tomorrow, seven the day after, and so on. Notice that you got through it each time and reward yourself for this each time.
To face the blank:
- Recall times when you have run out of options. What did you do at these times? Have you generally done the same thing or tried lots of different things?
- I tend to sit and reflect. Sometimes it is better to just do something/anything. Sometimes I may be better off if I tried doing some little thing.
- Can it be OK with you to learn? What would it take for you to be OK with not getting it right the first time?
- Is it OK for you to wait for inspiration? If not; what would it take for you to be OK with this?
- When faced with something new or unknown, just breathe.
4. WHAT WE GET
Why bother? Because authenticity is the path to satisfaction.
Authenticity is not a should – it is the observation that the way to live a satisfying life is to know ourselves and our needs, and the promises and problems in our environment. When we are clear about ourself and our situation then we have a better chance of getting our needs met where we are. We bother with authenticity because it leads us to a life with more moments of elated calmness in it.
These are my thoughts. I would like to hear yours. What has made it easy for you to be yourself and live in harmony with your situation? Looking forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Coming soon, the simplest possible way to begin living an authentic life. An email course of just one very brief reminder each day for forty days. Stay tuned.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: authenticity, easy, Fear, small steps
You don’t have to:
- Scare yourself
- Convince yourself that you like being scared
- Do what you don’t want to do
- Do what you are afraid of (because you are afraid of it)
- Move out of your comfort zone
- Do what you are uncomfortable with
- Convince yourself that you like being uncomfortable
- Take big steps because a guru tells you to
- Do anything else a guru tells you to
- Do anything anyone else (including me) tells you to
- Be a success to feel good about yourself
Why would someone want to do things that make them scared and uncomfortable?
- Because it has lead to the breakthrough they needed.
- Or it has had benefits that they haven’t found in another way.
- Or it fits a negative view they have of themselves
- Or they haven’t critically examined what a guru (or their parent/s) had to say
It isn’t the only way.
There are many people who have achieved success by taking small and easy steps. They include Riley Lee (a grandmaster of the Shakuhachi) and Bruce Frantzis (a high level martial artist). Bruce Frantzis formulation is “The 70% Rule” – don’t go to where you giving 100% – only do seventy percent: strain gets in the way of performance.
The Comfort in Being Uncomfortable
The comfort is that being uncomfortable gets familiar. People can get ‘antsy’ when something new isn’t going on. So they respond to their anxiety by getting uncomfortable. It is a distraction – the discomfort they provoke is to avoid dealing with a deeper issue. Perhaps the fear that they will be a failure if they don’t achieve.
A Better Way
People are capable of learning. We have few instincts compared to the other critters (the sucking and startle reflexes mostly) and so we learn just about everything we do – from walking to speaking to reading to sport to work to social etiquette . . . and on and on.
The best atmosphere for learning is supportive feedback. Not just telling the learner that whatever they do is wonderful (both the supporter and learner will know this isn’t true). Not linking the learners worth to their current performance (the point is to get better at what they are learning). Helping the learner discern when they have done well (some people denigrate what they do) and what it is they need to work on (in some ways this process never ends). We could call this ‘speaking the truth in love’. [Am I saying that schooling is often enough the opposite of what is best for learning? Yes, I am.]
Fear Impedes Learning
Learning means being able to engage with fully with the subject. If we are worried about being judged or scared then we are partly worrying about this – and we can’t fully focus on the what we want to learn – it is a distraction. Scaring ourselves, being uncomfortable are distractions from learning.
Learning is a process of increasing familiarity. We get comfortable with one aspect of a topic or one skill and then move on. Learning is a process of increasing comfort and relaxation.
When we have learned something (are comfortable and familiar with it) we move on to the next thing. Comfort and familiarity naturally lead to learning and growth. Being scared and uncomfortable get in the way. (This only applies to learning what you are interested in. If you are being forced to learn what is irrelevant to your experience for the sake of external rewards (all the different forms of gold stars awarded – teachers’ approval, financial success, awards from peers) this doesn’t apply.)
Self Development is a Process of Learning
Learning about:
- our thinking
- our emotions
- how to express anger in a way that doesn’t damage ourselves, others or the furniture
- how to receive the information our emotions have for us
- what is important to us
- how we learn
- how we want to relate to others
- how to be a good lover
- how to show care in a way that isn’t smothering
- how to do intimacy
- how to collaborate with others
- how business operates
- how to communicate
- what foods we thrive on
- what exercise is good for us
- how to bring desirable social change
and on and on.
Anything that can be learnt in a situation of fear and discomfort can be better and more easily learnt in a situation of supportive feedback.
The High
One of the benefits of scaring yourself is the high. The anxiety gives a rush. You don’t deal with what you are avoiding by scaring yourself but you do get some good feelings – the high.
Another way to get a good feeling is to pay attention to what it is you are avoiding. At its simplest just sit and breathe through it until you feel calm again. If this doesn’t work then find a good distraction until you can get other help (from friends or people you employ).
If you can find what it is you are avoiding and deal with it; you enjoy an elation from the energy that was bound up with avoiding whatever it was you were avoiding. (It takes energy to avoid stuff – when we don’t need to avoid it any more the energy is released.) This is far more helpful than the high from scaring yourself.
Small and Easy Steps
Self Development is a process of learning. If there is something you don’t understand then find an easy step to take. Then the next one, in this way you know that changing in the way you want to is easy and pleasurable. Which sounds like good motivation to continue.
Once you have found that the first few steps are easy, if you are like me you will want to take a big step or rush. Believe me when I say this is usually a waste of time and effort. It has taken me many failures and much wasted time and effort to learn. “Hasten slowly” is wise advice when you are learning something new.
What is the change you would like to make? What is one step on the path towards it – that you can do before you go to sleep tonight? I bet you will feel a little better for having done it.
I realise this approach is contrary to much of the advice in the self development blogosphere. What has been the most helpful things you have done on your self development journey? Looking forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Coming soon an email course of 40 reminders for authenticity. It is the easiest and simplest way I can think of to introduce the benefits of living authentically – to just spend a few breaths or a couple of minutes each day checking in with your experience. At the moment I am getting the technology sorted out. Stay tuned.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: anxiety, authenticity, easy steps, Fear, feedback, learning, living authentically, self development, small steps, support, supportive feedback
Crass Historical Generalisations
I want to make some crass historical generalisations that I think are largely true.
- The feminine has been devalued in western thought. (I don’t know enough to comment about other cultures. I would love to hear from others about this. Personally I would especially like to hear from those with experience of cultures where yin and yang are prevalent.)
- The feminine has been equated with the private, weak and nurturing; the masculine with the public, strong and aggressive or violent.
- Most people most of the time throughout western history have experienced these generalisations as accurate.
- Many people most of the time still believe these generalisations have some accuracy.
- Many people believe there is a masculine and feminine that is a description and also a should – men are and should be masculine, women are and should be feminine.
Generalisations and Exceptions
Any generalisation has exceptions. And it is here that the shoulds sometimes come in. A generalisation can stay a useful description or it can become a should.
- “Most males are like this but some aren’t” or “Some men aren’t like this and should be”.
- “Most females are like this and some aren’t” or “Some women aren’t like this and should be”.
As an Australian academic I heard point out: The patriarchy doesn’t value maleness – it values masculine maleness. Effeminate maleness is not valued but denigrated. Some brands of feminism value the nurturant over the aggressive.
Venus and Mars Are Alright Tonight (yes, I’m willing to admit to listening to and enjoying the Wings’ album – I was young)
John Gray wrote a book that became remarkably popular: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
It well and truly recycled the old (western) stereotypes. And it sold a truckload! (Actually lots and lots of truckloads).
Partly I think because it alleviated anxieties. People who had felt threatened when the stereotypes were questioned felt they could relax.
Partly I think because it fitted people’s experience. If you think about the conflicts you know of between heterosexual couples I think you will find that they often fit the stereotypical portraits –
- men not talking about their feelings,
- women wanting more emotional (verbal) contact.
- Men withdrawing to recover,
- women wanting connection to recover.
Our experience can fit stereotypes – this is partly (but only partly I think) why they are popular.
My guess is that the impact of Mars and Venus was positive (I don’t remotely fit the portrait of maleness given in the book). My view is that change comes from acceptance. And I think that Mars and Venus lead to lots of people thinking that it was just fine for them to be the way they are. Which I think can be the first step to change.
I think it is possible to feel positive about the book because, despite it promoting the usual stereotypes, it did not denigrate the feminine and promote the masculine. I think this is very important.
Hormones and The “Real” Masculine and Feminine
I think hormones are real and do influence our feelings and behaviour.
- Adrenalin prepares us for action.
- Testosterone increases sexual desire.
- Oestrogen and progesterone increase feeling of receptivity and nurture.
These things are true for both males and females. And males and females have some of all these hormones.
And we learn how to express these things. The correspondence between hormones and behaviour isn’t direct – it is shaped through learning.
The diversity of the expression of nurture and aggression between cultures and between individuals shows how much we modify the influence of hormones on our behaviour.
- Testosterone doesn’t determine that males are better able to cook outdoor on a barbecue but not inside on a stove.
- Oestrogen and/or progesterone doesn’t determine that women can defend their children at home but not in a war.
And DNA doesn’t determine these kinds of things either! (The next time you hear an ‘evolutionary psychologist’ ascribe a behaviour to evolution ask them which chromosome pair codes for the behaviour described.)
Signs of Authenticity
Is there an authentically masculine and an authentically feminine? I don’t think we know. I don’t think we will know until people have their abilities nurtured even when they don’t fit the stereotypes.
I am not advocating bringing up children in some kind of ‘gender free’ way. I think children (and adults) learn through imitation and not giving them any models isn’t helpful. Instead I think it is better to help them understand the model and then decide what parts they want to keep and what parts they want to leave behind.
- My father had the wisdom to know that I didn’t have much mechanical aptitude, even though he is a fitter and turner.
- My mother never told me to not vote for my political party of choice – even though she didn’t vote for them.
We discover what is authentically ourselves through the environment we are in.
I do think that there are signs that the traditional (western) stereotypes were ludicrous caricatures.
- In Australia I think this has become clear post-AIDS. In Australia, post-AIDS, gay culture has become somewhat more mainstream. This has lead to a softening of the male stereotype – young men can now be comfortable in their bodies and dress colourfully.
- And from about the 70′s on in Australia it has become clear that women are just as capable of success at uni and in the workplace as men.
Bringing It Home
All of the above is my attempt to surface aspects of this discussion to hopefully get some distance from it. Reactions to this topic can be quick and intense – which usually doesn’t help.
I think that most of us have been affected by gender stereotypes, and it is good to be aware of this. Once we do become aware of (at least some of) the ways we have been affected, it becomes possible to be free-er in our relationships.
- Those brought up to think that the traditional masculine was the norm (like me); can learn that it is OK to feel our feelings – and even express them.
- Those brought up to think that traditional female was the norm; can learn that anger is OK – and that it is even OK to express it.
- Those brought up not to value the traditional masculine may discover that it is OK to like sport.
- Those brought up not to value the traditional feminine may discover that it is OK to bake a cake.
We have all been shaped by our social context and it is very likely that this has included gender stereotyping. If we can acknowledge this we can learn to better meet our partners. We can learn to understand our own needs and how we cope with them and how we set about meeting them.
If you are in a heterosexual romantic relationship and having conflict here are some things to check [homosexual relationships can have another layer of complexity – especially because of the need for gays in a gay-phobic culture to monitor themselves – but these things can still apply]:
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner likes to be told you love her, and what you admire and appreciate about her. Consider the possibility that daily is not too often.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner likes to be told that he has done something well.
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner feels close to you when you listen, not when you solve a problem.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner likes help doing stuff.
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner will not see you as weak if you express your feelings.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner really doesn’t know what you are feeling.
- Men: consider the possibility that it is possible to stay connected and look after yourself.
- Women: consider the possibility that it is possible that the relationship is still in tact even if your partner withdraws.
- Men: Find a way to find out which men lots of women are attracted to – you might be surprised.
- Women: Find a way to find out which women lots of men are attracted to – you might be surprised.
These things are all to do with the traditional stereotypes. This is true. And I think that, embarrassingly often – for me anyway, we are affected by them. When we can own up to this and find ways for our needs to be met (even if they do fit a stereotype), we will be on the path to more fulfilling, joyous, and mutually fulfilling relationships.
Comments and experiences are very welcome. Have you needed to deal with the effects of the stereotypes in your relationships? I would like to hear from you in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: authenticity, feminiinity, masculinity, stereotyping
The Usefulness of Habits
In self development awareness is very important. Habits are what we do ‘automatically’ (without much awareness at all) so they seem to be almost the opposite of self development. How can they serve self development?
Habits assist us by allowing our awareness to be free from what we are not interested in (at the moment).
- We don’t need to think about how we walk to get up and go for a walk.
- We don’t need to be concerned about grammatical correctness while greeting a friend.
- Not having to worry about co-ordinating accelerator and clutch enables us to focus on the traffic.
Developing Habits
Is there a number of repetitions that will establish a habit?
There are various numbers quoted about how many repetitions you need to establish a habit. None of them are particularly well founded from what I can find. But they probably help to set an achievable goal and at least get you started, so I don’t think they do any harm.
The habits we want to develop are so diverse and various that it would be very surprising if the same number of repetitions worked for every one. And my guess is that some people will find it easier to develop a habit in one area than another.
So is there any guidance on how to develop habits?
Here is my guess: As much as possible do one thing.
The more you are practising to do just one thing the easier it will be for it to become automatic. Try to make the behaviour you want to be a habit as simple as possible. Try to eliminate or make the same any other behaviour or part of the environment.
If you want to make a habit of going for a walk each day, this will mean things like:
- Doing it at the same time
- Dressing in the same kinds of clothes (if you want to be in different clothing)
- Perhaps walking the same route
- Having one or more triggers or cues as you get near the time
- Walking with the same people (or no one)
- Having an enjoyable warm up routine to do
If you wish to establish a habit to eat more healthily, a good habit might be making a shopping list to help avoid impulse buys. It would help to make this a habit if,
- You made it at the same time each week
- Sat (or stood) in the same position, in the same place to make it
- Used the same kinds of pen and paper or iphone or whatever
- Thinking about the healthy foods you like as soon as you sit down to make the list
Doing only one thing will make it easier to establish the habit.
Reminders: a way to use habits for authenticity
A habit is done without much awareness and authenticity requires awareness (of both ourselves and our situation).
The way to use habits for authenticity is to not make authenticity a habit (which can’t be done) but to have habitual reminders to check in with ourselves and our situation. For instance:
- Checking with our stomach before we eat
- The old advice of counting to ten before we give an angry answer
- Checking for understanding of each point when teaching
- Checking we have understood the other person’s point of view when having an argument
- Perhaps taking a few moments at the beginning of the day to survey what we want to do.
If we remind ourselves to check in with ourselves and our situation we will likely be able to modify what we do to fit better with who we are. We will, gradually, step by step, build a more satisfying life.
Useful links on habits:
Healthy Habits
Habit Spark
There is also a good series of 31 posts on how to develop a habit on Stacy’s Grow with Stacy starting here.
Coming soon: an email course of forty reminders for authenticity. Just a couple of sentences or brief paragraph delivered to your email inbox each day. Introductory price $17US, stay tuned, Evan.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: authenticity, awareness, habits, reminders, self development
Awareness
We are aware of one thing at a time. This ‘one thing’ can be complicated – say a car or rail timetable. It will have different parts and qualities. But usually we are aware of one aspect of the thing at a time.
- The shape of the car, then its colour, fuel economy, environmental consequences and so on.
- The size of type the timetable is printed in, how it is arranged, where the stations we want are and so on.
‘Multi-tasking’ isn’t usually doing two or more things at once – it is usually switching rapidly between things.
The World is Big: using ignoring and auto-pilot to cope.
Ignoring
However it is our awareness that is focused on one thing at a time. Most of the world we are not aware of at all at any particular time. I am now typing onto a computer and focusing on how I want to put my thoughts together on the subject of habits and how they are useful. Peru and Vladivostok aren’t really in my awareness – even Australia (my country), my city, suburb, or even most of the house I’m in, aren’t really in my awareness at the moment.
We ignore most of the world most of the time. And just as well – imagine if I had to take account of the weather in Peru and other things before I started typing. It would not make my life easier. This is one way we make our life easier – ignoring most of the world.
Auto-Pilot
Another is by using ‘auto-pilot’. Or habits.
We can walk and chew gum at the same time. But we can’t usually be aware of these different activities at the same time. We can walk and chew gum at the same time because we do one or both of them habitually.
And while walking and chewing gum we can be paying attention to the scenery or thinking about a problem we have and what to do about it. This is one way we cope with all the stuff in the world – by doing on auto-pilot what isn’t important to us at the moment.
Reminders
Habits and awareness are different ways of functioning. But there is a way of mixing them too. Reminders can be ways of bringing us back to awareness – even though the reminder is habitual. Tennis players I’m told use bouncing the ball to bring themselves back to focus – the bouncing is habitual and the reminder to do this is habitual too – and the effect is to bring them back to awareness.
My New Product: Reminders for Authenticity
I think it can be useful to have a reminder about authenticity – something to remind us to check in with ourselves. Doing this once a day should help to live a more authentic life. And so a life of greater satisfaction.
A brief reminder (about a paragraph) delivered to your email inbox each day for forty days is what it will be.
I will be launching the product officially in about a month. It will be a low-priced product and ($27US), because this is the first time it will be launched I will be selling it at a discount as well ($17US). It will also have a limited number of people who can buy it (probably only a couple of dozen or so) – let me know if you are interested and I’ll reserve you a place. You can either tell me in the comments, or contact me via the contact form on the blog. At the moment I am working out the technical details of delivery and payment.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Corinne is a blogging friend who writes at Personal Growth with Corinne Edwards. She has had a varied career that has taken in real estate, counselling, and (most relevant to this post), interviewer of self help and self improvement authors on the cable show Wisdom TV.
As she was interviewing these writers Corinne found that they were all saying the same thing in slightly different ways. This lead to a couple of things. First thing: she needed to find the different thing as a way to make the interviews fresh. Second thing: this book, called Are We Spiritual Yet.
Overview
This book is Corinne’s summary and distillation of spirituality.
Each chapter is a brief, punchy and self-contained reflection on a major theme. The 17 chapters cover such topics as:
- peacefulness
- fear and small stuff
- personal growth
- gratitude
- when you can’t forgive
- intuition – listening to your signals
- writing your way to a decision
- today is as good as it gets
Approach
Corinne is looking for spirituality that works in the real world and looking at how spirituality can work in the real world. You’ll search in vain for ‘metaphysical fluff’.
Corinne’s writing style is down to earth and direct – in her chapter on the secret (The Secret – how’s that working for ya?), she says that she learnt early that:
If you really, really want something, it is not going to happen if you don’t do something to get it. (p.28)
In her chapter on forgiveness she asks: “But how do we get there? And who, within us, is going there?”, and answers:
It is the child you have covered up. It is you. It is me. Unhealed. Frightened. Hidden. Sure he or she is bad.(p.13)
Corinne is also wise enough to use stories, which are engaging (personally I find it difficult to write this way – even though I enjoy reading it), so that the book is not heavy or difficult to read.
Corinne has chosen to treat important topics rather than to come up with a treatise or theory. This means that you are free to take you learn and leave the rest – she isn’t laying out a system that she wants to convince you of.
Conclusion
If you want a book of inspirational thoughts on spirituality – with an eye very much on the practical – then I think you will enjoy this book and benefit from Are We Spiritual Yet? It is available in paperback or from kindle here (non-affiliate link).
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: book, Spirituality
This post was prompted by a comment in the box in the sidebar asking you about your greatest difficulty living an authentic life. The comment was,
Figuring out what I’m really thinking and then acting on it.
It seems to me that this difficulty has two stages: confusion (“figuring out what I’m really thinking”), and; reluctance (“acting on it”).
CONFUSION
Confusion About Deciding
Sometimes not knowing what we think is when we are drawn equally to two (or more) choices – or have different reasons for preferring different options. Broadly speaking there are two ways to address this.
Firstly, if you have lots of options you can rank them against each other. Say there are five. You take option one and rank it against the other four. If it wins, you’ve decided. If say option two wins then you rank it against the remaining three. This sounds simple and is. It is not often useful but when it is it works like a charm.
Secondly, more usually, we are drawn equally to two things or have different reasons for preferring different things.
In this situation it is good to listen to both (or more) of the thoughts. They are all you – it is you who are drawn to the different options (however many there are). If you ignore or suppress something then you are ignoring or suppressing part of you – this usually doesn’t work long term and involves ongoing work to keep part of you suppressed.
In this situation the ideal is to find something that appeals to all of you. You can do this I think in three of ways.
The first is alternating
being drawn to a perpetual holiday and doing worthwhile work 24/7 can be resolved by getting enough sleep so you can give you all have (but no more) to your work.
The second is integration. Finding a solution that satisfies both parts.
- Eg. Two friends preferring different movies could lead to doing a completely different activity.
- My not knowing whether to get angry or comply with a command can be integrated in stating my disagreement.
The third is realising that there may be something else going on.
- I may be confused about which bike to buy and not realise that I think I will be a more cool dude if I buy a bike.
- I may be confused about which course to choose at uni and not realise that I think it will be a job ticket.
- If there is something else underneath the thoughts then this will help us move on from this particular confusion.
Confusion About Authorities
Sometimes we are confused because different people say different things. In the age of the internet this can be quite a problem.
One way to resolve this is to decide which authority you want to trust.
This usually amounts to something like: My current [religion, philosophy, spiritual practise, way of thinking, psychology] has worked so far, so I’ll stick with it. Or that it doesn’t work any more – so will go with the alternative.
Usually it is more complicated than this – we are drawn to the differing advice. So the alternative is understand what it is that we find accurate or attractive about the different pieces of advice.
I might like feeling good about what I achieve from working hard as recommended by the ‘self esteem comes from achievement’ line of thinking. I might not like the stress this brings and also like the advice that comes from ‘don’t push the river, life flows by itself’ school. I can then move on to finding a way that honours what wisdom there may be in both approaches. Perhaps I will find that a playful attentiveness is enjoyable and efficient.
Testing Advice
When we are confused by differing advice we can test the advice against our existing experience. This kind of filtering process will at least get us clear on what we do know. We can then get a sense of what more we need to know.
We can also test the reasons given for believing the advice. People will often give reasons to back their opinion. It is worth listening to these and seeing what you make of them and if the advice makes sense in light of them.
Understanding the Attraction
We are confused by different advice because we find the different advice attractive. It is worth understanding what the attraction is.
- I should leave my partner because they are clueless about my emotions and I want an emotionally nourishing relationship.
- I should stay with my partner because they are kind, reasonable and I value loyalty.
- This kind of clarity can lead to considering differing solutions (like marriage counselling).
Confusion Due to Lack of Information or Experience
There are lots of things we don’t know about. And so we won’t necessarily know what we think.
This means we need more information or experience.
The big question is do we want to invest the time or energy we need to know or experience enough. It is still true that an hour a day for three years can make you well informed on anything. It may well be worth this amount of time and effort to learn about business investments, philosophy, or your hobby. But you may prefer to just ask a knowledgeable friend about which car to buy or what a holiday destination is like.
RELUCTANCE
Procrastination
“If you are procrastinating; consider not doing it” is, I think, very wise advice. It will usually lead to us discovering the consequences of not doing it. And help us be clear on the benefits of doing it. It can help clear the emotional fog and help us think more clearly.
Thoughts and Feelings
. . . are different. Some action may move you toward a desirable goal but the action itself may be unattractive.
You are both your thoughts and feelings. So listen to both. Sometimes our thoughts are misguided, sometimes our feelings are to do with the past not our current situation. Neither is infallible and both provide valuable information. Our chances of doing well are maximised if we listen to both.
Fear
Fear is good – it alerts us to the presence of danger, so we can modify our behaviour accordingly.
Fear is good when it is a response to the current situation. So it is worth listening to.
If you listen to fear you may well learn about pitfalls that need to be considered (even if it is only a case of ‘forewarned is forearmed’).
If you listen to your fears you may find that they are ludicrously exaggerated. And so you don’t really have much to worry about.
This can lead to exploring what purpose the exaggeration serves for you (likely to keep you safe), but that is another story.
My values say that safety is valuable – ‘that which doesn’t kill us can leave us maimed’.
In my experience unintended consequences occur, starting small can be wise.
Fear is not infallible, but it can become a good friend.
Planning
Our lives can be complex and even a small change can lead to unexpected difficulties. So it can be worthwhile to set aside a minute or two to think about what you want to do. If may be that what you want to do is quite straightforward. It may turn out that there are things you hadn’t thought about – in which case it is good to know.
Take a couple of minutes to think about how you are going to decide what you want to do. It may be time very well spent – even if it is just spent scheduling a time to do the planning that you need to do.
I hope this provides useful guidance on how to figure out what we are really thinking and acting on it.
I would like to hear your wisdom on this too. Let me know how you know what you think and how you move smoothly (or not) into action, in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: action, confusion, deciding, Fear, feelings, planning, procrastination, reluctance, thoughts
Uncle duties are concluded. Today is officially gazetted as a recovery day. Back to blogging as normal soon.
Hope life has been good with you over the last few days. With me it has been delightful, intense, challenging and much else, Evan.
In the last post I suggested that everybody is sane – that is (usually) our behaviour makes sense to us and we have good reason for doing what we do. To another person it may seem futile or unnecessarily difficult – but usually not to us.
The question that arises from this is: How do we change?
If we have good reasons for our behaviour why change it? The most extreme form of this is: we can make reality over according to whatever we think / anything is possible – we just have to think about it enough and in the right way. I think this is seriously deluded and can’t account for us changing our thinking.
Learning
- One of the things that distinguishes us from the other critters is our ability to learn. We were born with few instincts – compared to say a foal. And so we learnt to do most of what they do –
- from walking to talking,
- to riding a bike,
- to driving,
- to relating to people in a particular workplace,
pretty much everything we do we have learnt.
Which is to say: it is part of being human to change. Learning is one kind of change.
I’m pointing this out to highlight how much change is part of all our experience. By the time we are adults we have learnt an incredibly range of things – which is to say we have changed hugely.
Reality Testing
We usually behave according to the ideas we have about the world. Sometimes we find that those ideas don’t work.
- We may find that other parents have different rules to ours.
- When we change employers we find that a different ethos prevails in the new workplace.
- We may find that people in other cultures have different rules on touching (Anglo-Saxon cultures like mine seem to be particularly averse to people touching each other – especially men touching men – men holding hands with men: Qu’elle Horreur! It’s just not natural! – unless you come from another culture).
So we come to learn that our ideas aren’t in tune with a particular part of reality.
At which point there are a few options.
1. We can conclude that the other way of doing things is wrong.
- It just IS wrong for the new workplace to be different.
- Men should not hold hands!
- My parents way of doing things is best.
I do think this can be true.
- I do think some ways of parenting are better than others.
- I don’t think it is wrong for men to hold hands – however uncomfortable I am with it.
- I don’t think bullying is acceptable in any workplace – however much it is part of the culture.
However, this is often our default reaction. We don’t stop to consider the feelings and reasons we have for our reaction. And so our reaction, of, “That’s just wrong!”, keeps us from learning and improving our understanding of the world.
2. Accepting that we need to change our ideas in this one area.
“When in Rome do as the Romans do” has its place. And when we return from Rome we go back to our usual way of behaving.
- At work we may behave in ways we wouldn’t find acceptable at home.
- During a sporting contest different rules apply to normal life.
- We are more abrupt or aggressive with one group of friends than another.
I don’t think this is hypocritical or unhealthy, necessarily. It is just accepting that there are different ways of doing things and that there isn’t necessarily only one right way to do some things.
3. Extensive changes
Sometimes we come up against something that means major adjustment on our part.
I grew up believing that I wasn’t much good with my hands. Then in a drop-in-centre I discovered that I could produce acceptable looking stuff from leather stamping. This was quite a challenge. Over the years this has become a good reminder that my ideas about my limitations can just mean that I haven’t had the chance to find out if I can do something.
These sorts of extensive changes will often have to do with feelings-ideas-beliefs from our childhood – and which we are now unconscious of. Usually when we hit these kinds of things we have a very strong reaction.
- Feelings of disgust or vertigo,
- Intense anger or elation
- Quick judgements or feeling resolute.
It may be helpful to ask someone who is a good listener to sort through your reaction. It can be useful to employ a professional. It may be helpful to consider a change to this in one area.
Extensive changes can take time and change other areas of our lives.
- To change the way I plan my work schedule may lead to changes in planning my leisure as well and perhaps even to how I greet people.
- To learn that it is OK to relax and have fun with kids may affect my relationships with adults, and then how I plan my work day and perhaps eventually influence my life’s goals.
This kind of process can take weeks or occasionally even years.
Exercises For Reality Testing
1. Fill in the brackets in the following sentence:
All [a class of people] are [a quality].
Now find some exceptions – it is extremely likely there will be some.
2. What is your usual way of responding to difficulties?
When does this work well? When is it less helpful? What ways do others you know respond to difficulties? What are the strengths and weaknesses of their approach?
3. Choose a set of parents, other than your own, that you know well. Take a solid amount of time (at least five minutes) to imagine how you would be different and the same if you had been raised by this other set of parents instead of your own.
‘Internal’ Testing
The reasons we change are not only the mismatch between our ideas and how they fit the world ‘out there’. Sometimes we realise that there is an internal disharmony that we don’t want.
- We may realise that a way of thinking badly about a group of people is inconsistent with our value of not being prejudiced
- We may realise that we treat women and men doing the same job differently (and need to decide how and if we wish to continue to do this).
- We may realise that we are quite rational in one area of our life and impulsive in another.
Our thoughts, emotions and values are somewhat different. And so they may be more or less in harmony with each other. This harmony can be quite usual:
E.g. doing the washing up in a way that makes sense, enjoying the sense of getting through a task, and that this contributes a little to a happy marriage.
All aspects are in harmony.
The harmony can also lead to quite intense moments of flow or delight.
E.g. Getting an artwork exactly right, or engaging at our deepest level with a conversation or our life partner’s desires.
That we have different ‘parts’ to us that can be somewhat at odds with each other can also lead to us changing.
Exercises for Internal Change
1. Which were the last five situations you were uncomfortable in?
Was there one thing these situations had in common that made you uncomfortable? Perhaps there were different things each time? Could the discomfort lead to changes you would like to consider?
2. In what areas of your life do you feel rational calculation is valid? In what areas of your life do you feel rational calculation is invalid? Can you think of reasons why these views might be wrong?
3. Have their been times in the last year when you have been surprised to hear the words coming out of your mouth? What was surprising? How do you evaluate this surprising part of you?
The Importance of Change
In our personal lives I think it is hard to underestimate the importance of how much we change and can change. We don’t need to be prisoners of our past – or of our thoughts (or feelings or values). (My own view is that the best way out of prison is in small and enjoyable steps.)
When have the changes you have made been due to reality ‘out there’ contradicting the ideas you had about it? When have the changes you have made been ‘internally’ driven. I would like to hear about what has lead to you changing in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: change, internal harmony, reality testing
